i need a (non)date

so, ever since the infamous hudnall-ruzicka disaster of 2k7, i have a strict policy of not attending weddings alone. i need a sidekick for chris berry's wedding on july 12th, but this one is gonna be tricky i think. one REALLLLY good sport needed.

pros:

-free dinner, delicious cake, estimated 90% chance of open bar
-you get to hang with me, in a ridiculous dress (duh)
-watch me deflect insults from the ex-husband with the greatest of ease
-dancing, laughing, mocking/scoffing
-you get to wear a suit? (see below)

cons:

-it's likely to be stuffy and fancy, decorum must be observed
-you'll have to sit through stories like this: "hey, remember that time when i stole your car and abandoned it somewhere in chad's neighborhood and then you pushed me in the pool fully-clothed in february to get me back?" um, how could i forget, ross?
-enduring scorn from the ex-husband
-you'll be dragged out for smoke breaks every half hour
-you have to wear a suit

any takers?